Well, I promise a blogpost every Sunday and the first one flies by without a word! Whoops! The truth is I was barely home at all yesterday so I did not really have time to write one. Unfortunately, that's not a great excuse because I could just have written one earlier and then just published it yesterday...but oh well, we all make mistakes. We all miss deadlines, unfortunately. I'll try to make it up by writing one today.
It's Columbus Day, a celebration of the day Christopher Columbus discovered America...though he didn't really 'discover' it, there were plenty of people already here and doing just fine until he came along...But oh well, it's not a perfect holiday, or perhaps even one we should really celebrate considering it's basically a sham. I get the day off though, so that's all that matters.
For most of today, I'm trying to figure out what to do for my girlfriend on our 5th year anniversary. It's really difficult because I know for a fact she spent a large amount of money for us to take a trip to Provincetown for my birthday, so I really want to do something special. The problem is special = money and the fact is my rent just jumped up 300 dollars sooner than expected. That with school loans, health insurance, food and utilities is virtually killing my bank account. She's also buying all the new furniture for the apartment which I can't even help with because I can't afford to. It makes me feel worthless. I don't want her to pay for everything but I can barely pay rent on time. It's like what the fuck can I do? I'm already working two jobs. It drives me crazy. She does more for me than I do for her and I hate it. I feel like I should be the provider or at the very least, I should be able to provide half of our needs but I can't and it sucks. And I hate talking to her about it because I feel...weak...or just...incapable, like I said before, worthless. If I have to ask her if I can give her a check for rent a few days later when my paycheck comes, I fucking despise myself. It's the same feeling I get when I have to ask my parents for more money, despite how much they've already given. I feel like a disappointment.
But it is what it is, for now. Hopefully I can do more in the future while right now, I can just do as much as I can. I have a few ideas for the anniversary that, though it might not be as grand as a provincetown trip, I hope it makes her happy. Every few days or so, I get to thinking about it and get down on myself but eventually I get over it. That's kind of how I deal with shitty things. You do what you can and get over it. Feeling depressed about it isn't going to help things. I'm doing what I can and though it's not good enough, it is what it is. I'll just keep trying to make her happy. If she's happy, I'm happy.
This post took a strange turn, wasn't really what I expected when I started out writing. I guess I'll just say you can't always do everything you want for the ones you love, family, friends and all, but you just have to do what you can and hope they know you're trying.
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